This Mother’s Day, Relate Gloucestershire and Swindon are offering tips to couples, especially those with children, after the release of a new report conducted by Relate, Relationship Scotland and Marriage Care.
Entitled ‘It Takes Two; the quality of the UK’s adult couple relationships’, the report has revealed the top relationship strains experienced by couples in the UK today.
Money worries came top of the list – more than a quarter of UK adults (26%) say these are placing a strain on their relationships - followed by not understanding each other (20%), low libido/ differing sex drives (19%), lack of work life balance (17%) and different interests (16%) (see diagram for full list).
Marriage Care counsellor and Director of Client Services Jenny Porter said: “Usually when couples argue over money, it is because both individuals have very different spending habits. For example, one person may be more risk-averse and want to put more money away for retirement, while the other person may be more focused on spending for today.
"Although many couples find it awkward to talk about finances, it is essential to talk things through together to ensure both partners are on the same wavelength and to prevent problems from escalating.”
"However, the 5000-sample survey (The Way We Are Now) which the report is based on also uncovered that these relationship strains were reported even more frequently by couples who had children. For example, 41% of people with a child under 19 said money worries were a strain on their relationship, compared to 26% of those without a child under 19, and 26% of parents with a child under 19 reported household chores as a strain on their relationship compared to just 16% of those with no child under 19*.
"Among parents of very young children, however, this jumped up considerably: almost a third (32%) of parents of children aged 0-5 identified household chores as a relationship strain."
Kimberley Wall, Service Development Manager from Relate Gloucestershire and Swindon says: “This new report is shining an important light on the common issues that couples present as causing a strain on their relationship in counselling sessions at Relate Gloucestershire and Swindon.
"It is important that we incorporate these findings into our cultural understanding of what may be the beginning of relationship conflict, breakdown or even separation and ensure suitable interventions or support are available to all.
"This is especially important for couples who have children and are at a time in their relationship where time and resources may already be stretched.
"With Mother’s Day around the corner we are sure to see an influx of consumer images which depict happy relationships when the reality may feel different. Hopefully these findings may help couples, both with and without children at least realise they are not alone and seek help if needed”.
Relate Gloucestershire and Swindons’s tips for avoiding falling out about money
- Occasions like Mother’s Day may put additional pressure on a couple’s finances when partners feel the need to buy gifts or days out for the mums in the family. If finances are a struggle then it might be worth looking at alternative options to costly gifts such as asking children to make the cards/presents or taking mums chores off her for the day/week. Cooking a family meal and inviting all the mums and grandmas in the family or going for a walk as a family might also be non-costly alternatives.
- Talk to your partner about your attitudes towards money and what you think has influenced them. Perhaps your partner’s parents were really careful with money when they were growing up. You’re less likely to get angry with your partner about their spending habits if you understand where they come from.
- If one of you is a spender and the other is a saver, recognise that this may be a source of tension but that it doesn’t mean the relationship will fail. It’s all about how you navigate your differences.
- Take Relate's money quiz and compare your results. This is a good way of working out if there’s an issue and starting to talk more openly with your partner about money.
- If you’re entering a new relationship, try to talk about money from the beginning. If you’re used to discussing who’ll pick up the restaurant bill and what your budget is for your first holiday together, topics like joint bank accounts and saving for a house deposit will feel less daunting to broach further down the line.
- Discuss your financial priorities and be prepared for the fact that they may differ. Only by knowing what each other’s goals are will you be able to reach any kind of agreement or compromise.
- Think very carefully about whether you want a joint bank account. Whilst joint accounts can make sense for paying household bills, they’re a big commitment. Consider both keeping some money aside each month that you’re free to spend as you wish. That way you won’t feel like you have to justify that new pair of shoes or night out to your partner!
- Put together a plan outlining how you’ll manage money together and work out a monthly budget. This can be particularly useful if your finances are under real pressure as it will help you to feel in control again and like you’re tackling the problem as a team.
- Check in regularly with your partner about finances. A lot of people hate talking about money but it’s really important, especially if you cohabit or have children together.
- Remember that money is the one of the things that couples argue about the most. A few disagreements are totally normal, but if you’re arguing more often than not, it’s worth seeking relationship support from an organisation such as Relate Gloucestershire and Swindon or Marriage Care.
Struggling to cope? Relate Gloucestershire and Swindon provides impartial and non-judgmental support for people of all ages, at all stages of couple, family and social relationships. Call us on 01242 523215 or visit http://www.relateglos.co.uk/ for more information.
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