Swindon Link's Agony Girl returns this December to answer more questions

By Swindon Link - 1 December 2022

Opinion and Features
  • Swindon Link's Agony Girl, Amy

    Swindon Link's Agony Girl, Amy

From the pages of Swindon Link's sister publication The
Ocelot comes Agony Girl in the form of nine-year-old Amy. We read her the questions and she tells us the answers. To ask Agony Girl a question yourself email us at [email protected] with 'Agony Girl' in the subject line.

Dear Agony Girl,

It's my birthday in two weeks time. What can I do to celebrate?

Karen, Ridgeway Farm

How old are you? As I think you should throw a frat party. Wear clothes you would wear when you were younger and lots of drinking. You should burp as well. You should go to your house and throw it there and go to Tescos or Waitrose and buy loads of party decorations. I recommend Tidworth Tesco. And then you have to just be cool when you get there and invite over 60 people or if your house is small do it at my school hall. Or ask your friend who is rich and has a mansion? Or just invite under 20 people.


Dear Agony Girl,

I have to plan a Christmas par ty for my office this year. Could you give me some ideas on how to put together the best Christmas do, ever?

From Jane in Toothill

No. You have to do it from your heart but personally, since I’m a nice person, I will help. And also buy some Christmas decorations from Tidworth Tesco because it’s massive. I don’t care that the Swindon one is bigger. Tidworth is better.


Dear Agony Girl,

I’ve heard that you’ve got into party planning. Would you be able to pop over to Hollywood and organise next year’s Oscars and a ‘slap-up’ meal? And what theme do you think we should go for?

Tom Hanks, Hollywood

Are you the real Tom Hanks? You should go for an Amyworld theme. My dad will send you a picture of my face and then you can print it up and make some lovely dubbly decorations. You should also go to Tidworth Tesco.

Dear Agony Girl


There is nothing I like more than to settle down in front of a classic Japanese monster film featuring my favourite character, Gamera the giant rocket-powered turtle. However, my wife insists that I watch such things on my own, and that when we are together we should watch more conventional films. Must I watch my favourite films alone forever, or can I persuade her of the joys of viewing cities being blasted to bits by a skyscraper-sized reptile?

Yours confusedly,

A Gamera fan

That’s just sad because you like watching gory heads being blown into pieces and cities destroyed. I can understand your wife. Ew!


Dear Agony Girl,

I feel like writing a relaxing story but don't know how? Do you know any relaxing stories and have any advice?

Tyler, North Swindon

Yes. Never ever ever ever scream whilst you’re making it as it will ruin the vibe. BE RELAXED. Remember to add the inspirational quotes from me to show that I was the person that inspired you.

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