Is your relationship forever? The answer could be in your Christmas gift according to Swindon counselling group Relate

It’s Christmas Day and you have been waiting excitedly to find out what present your partner has wrapped under the Christmas tree for you.

You spent a long time choosing the exact gift for them and purposely listened out for their desires since September… You cannot wait to see their face as they uncover the rare album that you managed to purchase from foreign lands which you’ve heard reminds them of their late Grandfather… But then as you unwrap the, um, newspaper that they chose to encase your treasure within you uncover a… Hand-held vacuum cleaner?

Where was the Rolex or the diamond you’d been waiting for? A vacuum cleaner... Are they trying to hint that you enjoy housework or, worse, that you should do more of it? Why couldn’t they have been more romantic like Fred/Freda from down the road who bought their partner a hotel break?

Does this mean that you aren’t as compatible as you once thought? Is the relationship doomed?

Kimberley Wall, Service Development Manager for Relate Gloucestershire and Swindon believes that your reaction might actually tell you more about the relationship than the present itself, she says; “I think the clue exists firstly in the reaction to disappointment and secondly to the unique circumstances of the situation.

"For example, if your initial reaction is to assume the worst (i.e. that your partner doesn’t care for you) then their response will extend from yours (which could be focusing on defending themselves) until you find that you have both spiralled into an emotionally heated disagreement.

"You will then be unable to hear whether there was a reason or even a thoughtful purpose to the present and it’s you that didn’t take the time to understand it”.

For example, maybe your partner bought you the hand-held vacuum to help with cleaning out your car after you complained about how difficult it was last time. It is not the present itself but the amount of thought that went into it that is important. Kimberley Wall offers some tips on using the Christmas gifts to decode the quality of your relationship.

Do you and your partner show your love differently?

John Gottman of the Gottman Institute found that there are 5 love languages which means there are 5 different ways that people can give love to another. But if you expect love differently then sometimes you may feel they don’t love you when really, it’s you that isn’t recognising the way they are showing you their love.

This also illustrates that buying gifts are just one way of showing thoughtfulness. Physical touch (including holding hands), spending quality time together, an act of service (such as cooking the Christmas dinner for you all) and words of affirmation (writing you a letter or getting you the perfect Christmas card with a beautiful sentiment written on it) are also others ways in which your partner could show you their love at Christmas time.

Decide what Christmas means to you

As mentioned above; Christmas may not be about present giving to you. It’s not the act of giving a present which is important here; it’s the shared expectations and understanding that you both share the same perspective of what Christmas, or any other special occasion means to you as a couple.

For example, it could mean being away from home together or sharing a relaxing day of just the two of you. The trouble could arise when one person feels that presents aren’t important but this hasn’t been communicated to their significant other.

Set a Budget

It may be that you would both like to buy each other a Christmas gift but cannot afford it during this period of your lives. This is especially likely if you are saving to buy a house together or need the money to put towards a wedding or for your children.

Once again, the key is to talk about it beforehand or set a budget that you can both adhere to. Arguments can also be caused from someone spending too much of the household budget on gifts as much as someone not spending anything.

There’s a huge difference between not getting a present due to a lack of consideration rather than due to a lack of funds. In fact, if money is tight you could talk about making each other a gift this year or set each other a challenge to buy the most interesting gift from a charity shop. As long as the reason derives from your needs as a couple then the gift itself becomes less significant.

It’s genuinely the thought that counts

The two tips above have illustrated that it is the thought or effort that goes into deciding on a gift rather than the money involved. But this is where it also gets tricky; if you receive a present which is totally not you (i.e. in the example above, if your partner bought you a hand-held vacuum simply because it was on offer with no reference to you as a person) then it might be worth asking whether your partner knows you as well as you think they do.

And even more importantly; are they bothered in getting to understand you? Look at the relationship from a wider perspective; in all areas of your relationship do you feel important to them and do they take the time to get to know your individual quirks and interests? If so, then even if they have made a Christmas gift faux pas (especially early on in the relationship) then it’s your reaction and solution to what you would both like to happen in the future that is most important here.

Don’t set impossible expectations

Also, remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader so if there is something specific you would like then the only real way to avoid disappointment is to ask! Some people are simply better at gift buying than others so if your partner is amazing in many others ways (such as being a great parent to your children) then maybe there is a compromise that you could decide on which would ensure you both feel comfortable, such as writing a Christmas list and letting them choose something from it.

Expecting a proposal?

This is the biggest reflection on whether your expectations of the future are in sync. If one of you has been expecting a proposal for some time but your partner hasn’t proposed, then it may be worth asking some deeper questions.

Firstly, should the decision of a proposal be the responsibility of only one partner? It is more important to have talked about your shared vision of the future and ensure that you are not simply assuming that is what your partner also wants.